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ironic_vertigo
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Name: Karin
Birthday: 6/5/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: Hello. May I have this dance of histeria? Hello. I am your greatest fear, I am welling underneath you with nauseating predictability, and you swirl away to face the fact you can't deal with the unknown.
And now we all curtsey and do the dance everyone is doing, laughing with fear, drinking the dizzy that drips off the tap, circle sway tap step twirl. Masks everywhere, masks to hide the grotesque pained look of a cornered animal. Masks to mask that one thing you can never ever escape.
Yourself.
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  ironicvertigo
Member Since:
10/28/2004
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| I am no longer interested in what people think about my Xanga entries, from now on, although I shall not make them private, and you are free to read them, I don't much care if you do or not. I need somewhere to write down daily events, however mundane, however trivial, and although they won't be pretty or poetry or interesting to anyone, I need them somewhere concrete.
Monday I went to the neurologist. He was a very nice guy, with a light accent from which I do not know where, and listened when I spoke. He told me I need to get an EEG, MRI, transcranial doppler, and bubble test done. He thinks I am having complex partial seizures. From what I've read online, especially the kind that originate from the temporal lobe, it seems to fit me perfectly. However, I remain in a shocked, disbelieving state of mind the rest of the day.
Tuesday, I TA a lab in the morning. My head started to hurt, very badly, and I needed to leave. I talked to my boss, and she wouldn't let me go, even after I told her what was going on with the neurologist. I suffered for a couple hours, went to my therapist, cried, went home, and slept for 5 straight hours until my alarm went off. I then tried to get ready for a presentation for my astronomy class, but was unable to think, so I went to class and waited for the teacher to arrive. I talked to my teammates. One of my teammates had actually had brain surgery for epilepsy and was very comforting and talked with me for a while. The realization started to kick in a bit and I started getting a knot in my throat. Another team member pointed out that my part of the presentation was one of the most important parts, and I felt intensely guilty. The teacher came and I tried very hard to stay composed but ended up crying and he felt bad and told me to go home. I got home and Shane gave me an Excedrin. After an hour after I had recovered a bit we went to a restaurant, where the waitress knows us and talked to us at length, since we were the only customers. She gave me special coffee. That and the Excedrin kept me up late until about 4am.
I couldn't wake up this morning very well, of course. I skipped my 8am art class and talked to my parents a bit about ideas about what to do with my immediate school future. Then I went to my appt with my professor/advisor, and he was very caring and kind and told me what my options were. Mostly he said I should try to talk to an academic advisor and see what would be my best bet, whether it would be taking incompletes in a few classes, or withdrawing, etc. I felt better after talking with him. I then went to my new psychiatrist who is really a nurse with an almost PhD. She was very angry that the neurologist had told me not to take the medicine she had prescribed. She told me, repeatedly, that I was bipolar and need help. She told me to call him up and get him to help me, but that she didn't have time to go back and forth with him about medicines. She kept repeating herself, I stared at the floor and nodded, she got huffy and told me that time was up and she had other people to see. When I came home, the snow was floating down very softly, without a sound, and had created a thick layer of whiteness over everything. It gave everything with hard edges, a soft hidden look. As I walked up to the apartment, I saw bunny tracks in the snow. Most of the rest of the day was uneventful and full of sleeping until my dinner conversation with my boyfriend, which made me feel terrible again. He's afraid of marrying me and buying me a nice ring due to money issues and the fact he's afraid he won't be able to take proper care of me. I feel like a gigantic burden and obligation, and although I avoided the thought most of the rest of the evening, it was the lowest point of my day. Whenever I think of it, it makes me suicidal. If I were to commit suicide, it would really be for the best. That way people wouldn't have to waste money on figuring out my damaged brain, or feeding me, or buying me expensive but unnessary finger jewerly, putting up with my complaining, or crying... People wouldn't be disappointed in me anymore. I wouldn't have to try to live up to someone's expectations. And I wouldn't have to live with this pain anymore.
Where does hope end and reality begin?
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| I'm amazed by the ignorance in this world.
Creationism has a whole lot to do with everything being created as is, that is, evolution is false.
Those of you who believe that in order for there to be something,
there had to be something before that, you are 100% correct. This is
the first law of thermodynamics. Now that being said, life could have
arisen from non-living materials, in such a setting as to be favorable
for forming complex molecules. Many point to the second law of
thermodynamics as proof that life could not have formed from non-life,
but, if that was true, then how are you breathing right now? How is it
possible plants exist? They take non-living material (CO2, nutrients,
nitrogen, sunlight) and turn it into living material everyday.
It is a stretch to imagine the first cell forming, but I think it's
even more of a stretch to imagine some omnipotent all knowing being
that cannot be sensed by any of our senses and cannot be detected by
the most amazing computer, or even theorized by a solid mathematical
equation, creating all that exists today in 6 days. Or that the earth
is a few thousand years old when we have geological and cosmological
and anthropological and paleontological evidence to demonstrate
otherwise.
Now to the people who point out humans flaws as a reason "god" does not exist (who intelligent enough would have made us so pathetic?)... I am not going to play games with the intelligent
design believers and give in to hypothesizing what "god" was thinking
when he made us. Because, he doesn't really exist. It's like arguing
why Zeus raped mortal women as a disguised swan. It doesn't even matter
because it didn't even happen. There's no point in humoring those who
are blinded by faith, even if the goal is to open their eyes, because
using that kind of hypothetical nonsense logic only leads to more
hypothetical nonsense logic. "Why did he make us so pitiful?" "Because!
He's testing our faith!" It's really not the right way to combat
ignorance. "Why does Santa give out toys to some kids and not others?"
"Because! You were naughty and they were good!"
When I look into a microscope, or a telescope, or being simply
overwhelmed by the gorgeous colors of fall, I do feel amazed and happy.
Not because I feel indebted to some magical being, but because I am
honored to be a part of this world and have a consciousness to realize
how awe-inspiring everything is because it became that way all by
itself. "We are all made of star stuff." I think that's more inspiring
than "You were created in a couple of hours." Do you know how many
stars had to live and die to create the iron of your blood?  | | |
| I know this is a bit out of character for me to write about, but as I am procrastinating studying for biochem, I thought I'd share the color theory insight to makeup.
1. Use a color wheel.
Here is the basic color wheel. This is a makeup artist's best friend, or at least should be.
Green eyes: reddish tones, whether a reddish brown, purple, or a pink, will accentuate your green eyes. If you want them to look lighter, go with the dark red brown. If you want them to look lighter, go with the pink. Be careful of pink though, don't go too red or you will regret it. You will look like you've been crying. Red/pink lipstick also is awesome for contrasting green eyes, and also a good reddish/pink blush, depending on your skin tone. Pinker for lighter skin tones, redder for darker skin tones. Avoid green colors on your lids if you want your eyes to remain green.
Blue eyes: Probably the most difficult to work with, since the opposing color is orange, which tends to make people with some color to their face look hideous. Try orangey metallic brown. Or if you're brave, yellowish orange/gold. Again, if you want to lighten the color, choose the darker opposing, and if you want to darken them, choose the lighter opposing. Orange can be difficult to pull off, but there are various shades that look marvelous. I find that nude lips really make blue eyes pop, especially if they're really light. Too much lipstick draws attention away from the eyes, which applies to most eyes really, but especially blues, since they can get really really light. Avoid blue colors on your lids, if you want your eyes to remain blue.
Brown: I know most of you don't care for them, but brown eyes have the most diverse abilities as far as eyeshadow goes. For those of us with almost black eyes, go with a dark dark color, especially a dark green. Also, if you want to make them look less brown, use a solid brown. Sounds weird, but a dark brown on the lids will bring out the hidden color in your eyes. Some people it's more reddish, some people it's more yellowish. Due to the nature of brown, though, people with brown eyes can pull off virtually any color. For blush, go with what you're skin needs, and lipstick really is up to you. I like to use a nude-brown/pinky color, it doesn't detract from the eyes too much, but accentuates the lips. You can't overpower brown eyes really, so really, go wild.
Hazel: Hazel is a mixed bag. You have to decide what prominent colors are in your eyes and use the advice given to the colors above. You decide what color you want them to be. You are lucky in the sense that if you want your eyes to look green one day, all you do is pull out the reddish brown. Or yellowish brown the next day, pull out the purple and/or green. I bet if you do this enough, people will start commenting on how your eyes seem to change. But you know the secret. Your eyes don't, but you tricked them into thinking they do. Blush and lipstick colors will also influence your eye color, so more red in the skin will equal a greener eye. Since hazel eyes tend to be medium to light, though, I wouldn't put on a really deep blush or lipstick.
Grey: Follow the advice of the blue eyes crowd, if you want a more blue color. Otherwise, if you are looking to go even more grey, try really strong pigments, especially blue. This will wash out the color, giving you a more silvery appearance.
Note: this is from the perspective of an artist, not a makeup professional. Always consider your skin tone, hair color, wardrobe, etc.
Was this helpful at all?
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| If there's one thing I hate about everyone and myself the most is being judgmental. I can't go an hour without thinking negative thoughts about myself or others, and it's really getting to me. People seem to think that their opinion of you matters more than anything else in the world.
As a child, my parents never abused me, physically, sexually or verbally. I always had food, clothes, shelter. I shouldn't complain, at all. So many people have it worse off than me. They just... Saw me as an object. A racehorse. I yearned for their affection and praise. By my mother, I was told that everything was my fault. I was told there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I was told, next time, I could do better.
No matter how hard I would try, I was never quite good enough. Almost. But not enough.
This warped my brain in a variety of ways. I became a perfectionist. I became manipulative. I became a monster.
And after 21 years of hating myself, trying to kill myself, destroy everything I love or that loves me, I've finally come to the realization that maybe, maybe, I am a worthwhile person deserving of things. Maybe I won't be struck down by an act of god if I say I love myself. Maybe, I'm not a bad person?
Maybe.
Meanwhile, I'm working on being the most un-judgmental person in the world. I give people little excuses for cutting in line in traffic, or having a screaming baby in a nice restaurant. I wish that others could do the same for me. But I understand the stigma.
Yes, sometimes people use their mental disorders as a crutch, or fake them. Sometimes they are violent and kill people because the voices told them to. Sometimes they lack morals and will make your life miserable. But some black people are in jail. And one is the President of the USA. So don't judge me because I have one. It's not me. It's just the name someone gave to the chemical imbalance in my brain. To the emotional warping my parents gave me. I am no more my mental disorder than you are your imperfections. Please, please, stop judging me.
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| My sister and her boyfriend. :)
(Corel + Wacom)
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